“Remember, remember, remember” were the words I heard at one of my first 12 step meetings. What those words came to mean to me was that if I forget the results of my obsessive, compulsive, insane behaviors I would again have to suffer the painful consequences. I am grateful for the newcomers sharing their own painful experiences to remind me of where I would be without my recovery.
During one of my repeated returns to an unhealthy relationship many years ago one of my friends said that I must be a glutton for punishment. I thought that they didn’t understand that I had the persistence and strength to make it work. I repeated the painful process many times over two years until my higher power helped me find the strength and different ways to believe that I was alright and deserved to be treated with love and kindness.
Now I have red flags in my relationships to remind me of the consequences of my healthy and unhealthy behaviors. I need to remember that I’ve been here before and I have the power to choose the easy and painful or the hard and happy road. When confronted with seemingly overwhelming relationship situations I remember my tools, my steps, my traditions, and what happens when I facilitate other people stepping on my boundaries. I especially like to remember, “Is it kind? Is it loving? Is it necessary?” ”Remember, remember, remember.”
Tom
There’s no doubt about it for anyone that has experienced a Yoga class, Yoga is physically strenuous. However, “harder”, “tougher”, “stronger”, does not make Yoga stretches any easier. I took me two years to let my mind/body relax enough to accomplish a “plow” pose. A plow is an inverted position from lying on my back where my legs come over my head and my toes touch the floor. The key was to “let go” and relax my whole body while only tensing the muscles required for the position. A Yoga class typically ends with a quiet meditation period of feeling and contemplating all the muscles used in the class. The end result of practicing Yoga is a more flexible relaxed body and better skills for releasing tension during the day.
Faith in a Higher Power and meditation is my Yoga for the soul. The key is to “let go” of all the worrisome thoughts and drama while fully being present to experience the NOW around me. As I use my tools for life to practice spiritual and behavioral “stretches” my actions and skills get quicker and easier. I became more flexible in handling my feelings, not letting them drag me to places I don’t want to go. Yoga and meditation both require practice, time to process and learn, and an awareness of the balance in my mind, body, spirit, and soul. The results are an increased capacity to enjoy life and are certainly worth the effort.
Stand up and stretch.
Tom
Tags: awareness, behaviors, capacity, drama, enjoy life, faith, feelingspractice, flexible, harder, Higher Power, inverted position, let go, meditiation, mind/body, muscles, NOW, on my back, over my head, physically, plow, relax, soul, spiritual, strenous, stretches, stronger, tension, time, tougher, worrisome, worth the effort, yoga, yoga class
As a child I easily memorized bits of life as I built a base of experiences.
As an adult I learn better than children from associations and analogies because adults have a more extensive experience base than children. The physiology of the brain supports this concept by forming more neuron interconnections as we age. One of my favorite analogies is comparing a healthy relationship to a good dance partner. Partner dancing can be thought of as an interaction (connection) between two people. Try substituting the word relationship for connection and see if it describes how interactions work in the world of codependency and healthy relationships.
The key to dancing and acting as partners is connection. A good connection is based on a stable body framework (boundaries) by both partners. The connection is at several different points of contact, hands, shoulder, back, and elbows. It is firm and consistent without to much push or pull. The leader does not move the follower but rather provides communication to indicate where the partnership is going. Each person moves themselves independently, but must rely on the connection to communicate and coordinate the simultaneous movement. If the connection is too soft (unstable boundaries), the, hands arms legs feet flail around and, for awhile, may give the appearance of dancing together (always compromising), but coordinated motion soon falls apart, especially if the music rhythm (life) is fast. This also happens if one partner collapses into the other without frame boundaries. The leader feels smothered, can’t move freely and can’t lead. If the connection is too stiff (mutual control issues), it’s like fighting or pushing against each other and very tiring. The feeling is so heavy that the movement can’t keep up when the beat (life) quickens. If the partners pull too far apart, losing the connection framework, the lead-follow clues disappear and coordinated motion can only occur slowly if at all.
A good connection has a soft touch and is very sensitive to slight push and pull pressures. Both partners have enough information to know where they are and their partners are at all times. They generally look at each other and they are confident, at ease, relaxed and can move quickly together in a variety of moves and rhythms. Partners that dance well together have movement that fits and interprets the musical dance floor environment. They are confident in their own actions and those of their partners. They are also aware of their own partner space and the space of the other couples (friends and family) around them. The better the connection and the experience, the better they are at creative moves together, apart and back together without braking the flow.
Finally, good dance partner (and relationship) skills are transferable to other partners and dances. Connections will be different because of individual differences like tall and short, but the sensitivities remain. Some partners connect better than others and may prefer one dance rhythm over another, the same as individual preferences in life’s activities.
In partner dancing only one partner leads at a time. The roles can switch during the dance but still just one at a time. More advanced leaders may invite the followers to take the lead with their own styling to communicate interpretive moves similar to the back and forth communication in a vocal conversation. While the leader focuses on communicating the next movement, the other, following partner focuses on picking up clues from the leader so the dance pair can move smoothly together. This the dance version of talking and listening.
I am referring to leader and follower dance partners, not to just dancing in front of another person who may also happen to be moving. Nor am I referring to choreography where each move is planned and practiced with few or no deviations and the participants usually use musical queues to synchronize their movement.
Lead and follow roles in healthy relationships change as partners adjust to a connection that works best for them at a particular time. If in doubt, check out to see who’s leading so you don’t miss the coordination clues.
Tags: analogies, asssociations, boundaries, child, clues, codependency, confident, contact, control, coordinate, creative, dance, flow, framework, healthy, interconnections, movement, partner, pull, push, relaxed, rhythm, smothered, soft touch, successful interactions
Try having a conversation with “I” statements only. First, consider that self-centered is not necessarily selfish. If I know and love me I have the self confidence to let you see the real me and be much more open to listening and learning about the real you. “I feel …” or “I think …” is a vulnerable representation of me as long as I agree to the rule of not attacking you. It’s pretty hard to get defensive or challenge my statement if I only talkabout me. Another rule is not to interrupt the speaker. When I am finished talking about me, the roles reverse and you get to talk about you and I can’t interrupt. the conversation proceeds as the roles keep reversing. More than two people can participate. It can help to have a speaker’s token, something that the speaker holds until they are ready to give up the floor and pass the token to another speaker.
This type of conversation may take a little practice, but it instills into the communication a sense of safety and openess.
Do you feel safe in responding to this blog?
Tags: "I" statement, conversation, defensive, openess, roles, safty, speaker, token
What did you want that you didn’t get?
Can you remember any time that you got what you wanted and you got angry? Probably not. Does this mean that we should not want anything to prevent getting angry? If you believe in God or any power greater than yourself, try putting your wants through that higher power and let it go. You’ve done your part. Now let that higher power take care of the yes, no, and when. It takes faith to believe that if you don’t get what you want, it’s for the best. Faith takes practice and eliminates a lot of anger. Caution: No matter what you want another person to do, you don’t have any power over them to do anything. You can only set boundaries and consequences.
Another form of anger is resentment. Expectations are preconceived resentments. Are you conscious of your expectations? Do you let other people know what you expect? Have you ever thought about a written contract to establish clarity and agreement?
Are you getting what you want from reading this blog? What did you expect?
Tom
Tags: anger, faith, power, resentment, want
“You make me ______ (sad, cry, sick, mad, angry, feel worthless, …….)”
That negative statement immediately puts the other person on the defensive, stops communication, irresponsibly tries to shift personal accountability to another person, and, if we truly have free will, isn’t true. “You make me _____ (happy, excited, joyful, feel wonderful, …)” is the positive form that also says “You have power and control over me, and I am not responsible for me; you are.” Neither form of the statement is conducive to effective communications.
Try a more effective form that invites further discussion, takes responsibility, and exposes vulnerability with strength and power: “I feel _________ (sad, like crying, sick, mad, angry, worthless, happy, excited, joyful, wonderful, …) when you _________ (describe the other person’s behavior).
I feel encouraged when I read responses to this blog.
Tom Bartley
Tags: accountibility, communication, Feel, responsibility, You Make Me